Doctor:  I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient:  Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor:  The lab called with your test results.  They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient:  24 hours!  That's terrible!  What could be worse?  What's the very bad news?
Doctor:  I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
***********

Patient:  I'm in a hospital!  Why am I in here?
Doctor:  You've had an accident involving a train.
Patient:  What happened?
Doctor:  Well, I've got some good news and some bad news.  Which would you like to hear first?
Patient:  Well...  The bad news first...
Doctor:  Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient:  That's terrible!  What's the good news?
Doctor:  There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
***********

Doctor:  I have some good news and I have some bad news, which shall I tell first?
Patient:  Do begin with the bad news, please.
Doctor:  Alright.  Your son has drowned, your daughter has been raped, your wife has divorced you, your house got blown away, and you have AIDS.
Patient:  Good grief!  What's the good news?
Doctor:  The good news is that there is no more bad news.
***********

This guy goes to the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.
Doctor:  Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.
Guy:  Well, give me the really bad news first.
Doctor:  You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.
Guy:  And the bad news?
Doctor:  You have Alzheimer's disease.
Guy:  Thank God. I was afraid I had cancer!
***********

This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"
Patient:  Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor:  You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.
Patient:  OH NO!  That's awful!  In two years, my life will be over!  What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???
Doctor:  You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.
***********

Patient:  My hair keeps falling out.  What can you give me to keep it in?
Doctor:  A shoebox.
***********

Patient:  Doctor, you must help me.  I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor:  Tell me what exactly is your problem.
Patient:  I just did, didn't I, you stupid bastard!!!!!
***********

Patient walks into a doctor's office.
Patient:  Doctor, people ignore me.
Doctor:  Next!
***********

Patient:  Doctor, I have a serious memory problem.  I can't remember anything!
Doctor:  So, since when did you have this problem?
Patient:  What problem?
***********

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?
Patient: What pills?
***********

Nurse:  Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.
Doctor:  What does he call his other eye?
***********

Patient:  Well, doc, what does the X-ray of my head show?
Doctor:  Nothing.
***********

Patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor.
Doctor:  Your tonsils gotta come out.
Patient:  I wanna second opinion.
Doctor:  Okay, you're ugly, too!
***********

Patient:  Doctor, I have a problem.  I feel unhealthy and depressed.
Doctor:  You should cut down on drinks.
Patient:  I don't touch a drop.
Doctor:  You should cut down on smoking.
Patient:  I don't smoke.
Doctor:  You should stop taking drugs.
Patient:  I don't do drugs.
Doctor:  You should cut down on womanizing.
Patient:  Haven't touched a woman in my life.
Doctor:  In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends.
***********

Patient:  Doctor, Do you I think I need glasses?
Teller:  You certainly do.  This is a bank.
***********

Congratulations, Mr Brown, you're in great shape for a man of sixty. Pity you're only forty.
***********

Doctor:  What seems to be the trouble?
Patient:  Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.
Doctor:  What seems to be the trouble?
***********

Patient (to cosmetic surgeon):  Will it hurt, doctor?
Surgeon:  Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.
***********

Doctor:  You're in good health. You'll live to be 80.
Patient:  But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
Doctor:  See, what did I tell you.
***********

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint.  Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"
***********

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment.  But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you?  I'd like to make a little change..."
***********

A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery.  As she lays there, a man in a white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet, and then leaves.
This happens a second time.
The third time this happens, she says, "Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?"
The man replies, "Don't ask me lady.  I'm just a painter!"
***********

A man working at a lumberyard is pushing a tree through a saw when he accidentally shears off all then of his fingers.  He rushes to the emergency of a nearby hospital where the awaiting doctor takes a look and says, "Yuck!  Well, give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do."
"I haven't got the fingers."
The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers?  This is the age of medical advances.  We've go microsurgery and all sorts of incredible techniques!  Why didn't you bring me the fingers?"
"Well, heck, doctor.  I tried, but I couldn't pick 'em up."
***********